Since starting food blogging, I have learned a ton, but definitely still have moments of utter failure.
You know how everyone puts all their best shots on Instagram to show how awesome and incredible their lives are? Everyone does it, myself included. However, I also do the same sort of thing here on South of Vanilla: I rarely, if ever show or share recipes that don’t work out because this is a food blog. I want you to want to make the recipes I post. (I want you to want to do the dishes!)
Last year, I shared my Top 10 Faileos of 2014, or paleo recipes that just did not work out. This year, even though I thought I learned a lot, I still had my fair amount of faileos. Keep reading for a good laugh…
Top 10 Faileos of 2015
10. Buffalo Chicken Bleu Cheese Salad
Ugh, this salad. Honestly, it (kind of) tastes good, and I am still hoping that maybe it will work in the future. Also, it photographs horribly. Who wants to eat a bunch of leaves slathered in orange slime? Not me, and I’m pretty sure no one else does either. Also, I tried to “bread” chicken with almond flour and garlic, but it just turned out a pile of chicken with a weird almond garlic paste that would flake off into the dressing and make it chunky- and not in a good way.
The worst part? I still set up a photo shoot because I was so desperate to try to make it work. This photo shoot was oddly at 7am, which explains the weird shadows. Lesson learned.
9. Broiled Asparagus
In spring, nothing is better than fresh asparagus. Sometimes it can be hard to cook asparagus just enough to where its soft but not limp, but I took this one a little too far….
This dish went straight into the garbage.
8. Chemex Coffee
I have long been a fancy coffee fan, and the Chemex makes a great brew, however, I quickly learned that one needs to be careful when taking out the filter. Why? Because all the ground can easily spill straight back into your perfectly made coffee…
And I did this 4 times in 2015….
7. The Sad Cake
While on a road trip to Pittsburgh, we stopped and were so enamored with this sad pumpkin cake we spotted at a grocery bakery.
But we were the real sad ones after eating this conventional cake filled with wheat, gluten, coloring, sugary frosting, and a ridiculous amount of artificial ingredients. We quickly had the re-realization of why we follow a real-food diet. Although not a faileo of my own making, this one serves as a reminder to not be tempted by baked goods with faces, however sad they are.
6. All the leftovers in the fridge green beans
Just two weeks before the end of 2015, we moved…. again. This time, it was to a permanent place (Thank the lord), but we spent a good 2 weeks trying to eat everything in our fridge and freezer to minimize waste and any transport of food.
This concoction LOOKS great, and I even posted it to Instagram excitedly before trying it.
However, I quickly learned that throwing some oil, veggies, bacon, and a mess of herbs into a cast-iron skillet does not necessarily result in something tasty. These green beans were somehow limp on the outside but slightly uncooked on the inside with so many different flavors it was overwhelming.
The worst part? Somehow in the commotion of the move, we transported this to the new place where it sat in the back of the fridge and promptly became our first moldy food of 2016.
5. Raw-Dairy Alfredo Sauce
This sauce. This. This was one of the last recipes of 2015 that I made in trying to prepare some posts for the New Year.
However, during cooking, I had the realization that buying pricey raw dairy was foolish because once cooked, it was no longer raw. Plus, the combination of cream and a whole stick of butter made my lactose-sensitive stomach quiver. Also, it tasted like melted butter, which although delicious, isn’t something anyone wants to sit down a make a meal out of. I even tried adding a bunch or parsley to make it better, but it didn’t work. Lesson learned.
4. Activated Charcoal
Early in 2015, I was with my friend Kathy, when we somehow stumbled upon the topic of activated charcoal. Kathy, who was newly pregnant, was excited about a chemical-free way to whiten teeth, and I (being not pregnant and all) was excited to share how charcoal tablets were my go-to for avoiding a hangover after drinking too much.
We then spent an hour brushing our teeth with charcoal at midnight and posing for terribly unflattering photos that her (extremely nice) husband took of us with black teeth. (PS Thanks Carl!)
These photos never made it to the blog because I soon realized that there were 100 other bloggers that already wrote about the topic more successfully, but I will always have these photos to cherish and look back upon.
3. “Crispy” Broccoli
Charred veggies are wonderful, and I tried to recreate them in the oven instead of a grill. However, I will now forever remember that when broiling, its important to watch closely because….. burning happens fast.
I even tried to still eat these because I hate wasting food, but I just couldn’t choke them down. I don’t know what I was thinking to even try them.
2. Glitter Donuts
This was going to be my New Years recipe, because glitter is synonymous with New Years. However, I somehow burnt the donuts without even realizing until I saw the pictures. 30 minutes after frosting these donuts with a coconut cream type glaze, they all melted into a slimy mess, and the glitter didn’t even look like glitter- it just looked like weird shiny bits.
I didn’t eat any of them because I thought they were gross, but the best fiancé award goes out to CK, who ate every last one in an endearing effort to show how much he supports South of Vanilla and all my weird food endeavors.
1. Exploding Ginger Beer
This was quite possibly the BIGGEST mess I have ever created in my kitchen, and uniquely sounds like something you could buy in Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes. I was trying to make ginger beer, through fermentation, which was going great until the glass bottle I had newly bought exploded all over my kitchen, and because of our open home layout, all over the living room too.
This meant that shards of glass, ginger pieces, and sugar went all over the top of the fridge (where I was storing it), all of the floor, countertops, walls, and carpet of the living room which I had to scrub several times to get clean. Naturally, the week it happened, the southwestern temperatures decided to soar and our air conditioning decided to take a little vacation, which meant that hard yet sticky invisible sugary globs decided to abstractly decorate the walls and floors. It also took weeks of walking around our house with shoes on because we kept finding tiny glass shards in obscure places. Ugh.
Luckily, no one was hurt because no one was in the room when it happened, but I haven’t attempted homemade ginger beer again for my Moscow mules since. Maybe 2016 will be my year.