Top 10 Faileos of 2014

I talk a lot about how great my food is. I mean, obviously, I'm not going to post a recipe and say how deplorable it is and how you should never ever attempt to make it. That would be absurd.

But what I haven't ever talked about is how many times I have failed trying to create recipes and meals and blog posts that just never turned out. I think of all of my blog posts, I have had maybe 5 recipes that turned out great the first time I made them. Every other recipe I had to make twice, sometimes three or four or five times. And those numbers alone mean that there are a whole lot of mess-ups and failures that I haven't shared, a whole lot of failed paleo dishes, which I would now like to introduce as "faileos".

In excitement for the upcoming new year, I thought it would be nice to have a good laugh and talk about all the things that have gone wrong on South of Vanilla over the past year, all the things that had brought me to tears of frustration in the moment, but now are providing an abundance of tears of laughter. Because really, what was I thinking with some of these?? I still don't know.


10. I was really excited when one I day I found this super cool, barely been used waffle iron at Goodwill. Immediately upon seeing it, I dreamt of all the things I could make in a waffle iron: paleo cornbread! brownies! cakes! waffle bread! How has anyone ever existed without the genius invention of waffle bread?? The possibilities were endless. But first, I needed to start things off slowly with creating a basic recipe for just plain waffles. It didn't work out so well:

Yeah. Never ever coming soon to a paleo blog near you!

9. Last New Years eve, my best friends and I were throwing ourselves a NYE party for ourselves the only way we knew how: with movies, music, dancing, glitter, chalkboard paint, a photobooth, liberal amounts of alcohol, and lots and lots of food. Being the self-righteous person that I am, I decided to show my friends that great tasting paleo desserts were definitely possible:

Yeah, I showed them.

To make matters worse, we were stuck with these things for days after, since the 2014 Chicago snowpocalypse and the polar vortex snowed us all in.

8. I had this brilliant idea that I was going to show the world that brussels sprouts were nothing to fear! I was going to write this post about how sometimes getting yourself to love vegetables is just about you prepare them.

So I literally spent almost a an hour and a half peeling back each layer of each little leaf of each tiny brussels spout while watching Frozen, naturally. (Winter vegetable, winter movie. It made sense in my head.) This brussels sprouts idea of mine, I thought, was so brilliant. I was going to call them brips. As in brussels sprout chips. I was going to take the world by storm! They were going to be the new kale chips!

 

I never tried this recipe again. And then soon after, I found out that Nom Nom Paleo pretty much did the same thing but 500 times better. And did it successfully.

7. Remember those carrot fries that got a whole lot of attention when I first posted them, and then again right around Thanksgiving?

They weren't always the recipe that they've evolved to be:

6. Back when I was living and working in DC, I found this amazing book. I stumbled upon it one day, without an owner, begging to be read. Of all things, it was a cookbook dated to the mid 1800s, containing recipes and cuisine specific to Virginia. I really felt like I had stumbled upon a treasure. I was like Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince wading through margin notes and shortcuts and cooking brilliance; suddenly I had access to all these amazing recipes, many of which were naturally paleo. I was going to use this book and spread it's power. Not only was I going to share the secrets of these forgotten recipes, but I was going to show how this was yet another instance of how our ancestors, though not that long ago, were following a primal diet.

So I found this perfect recipe, this great recipe that I think really embodied the mood of this whole situation. The recipe I decided upon was a fermented peach recipe. It only contained 5 ingredients, was naturally paleo, and was fermented! It was perfect. I followed all the cryptic steps, written in old language I didn't necessarily understand, and took all these fabulous pictures:



And then those fermented peaches just turned into straight up moldy, foul smelling, truly disgusting peaches. I didn't even snap a picture of the mold, because getting close to the moldy blobs was really, truly, too much too handle.

And just like that, My Half-Blood Princess dreams were ruined.

5. One time, I was convinced that I was going to make my own paleo whipped cream from real cream. Granted, this recipe wouldn't have been completely paleo because it had cream, but I was willing to look past that.

And then my cream turned into butter. But not just any butter! Butter with coconut sugar and vanilla...which sounded salvageable- it could be a dessert butter! And then I tried it and it was so awful. Firstly because it splattered all over my kitchen, second because it was watery, and lastly because I accidentally used an alcohol based vanilla. So my whipped cream tasted just like watery alcohol butter. Yep.

And did I mention that I made this mistake not once, but twice- the second time being with frosting???


4. Back in late winter and early spring while I was training for my half marathon, I went through these insane stages where I would just crave carbs. I knew it was because I was training so much, and my body really needed it, but dreams of pasta and bread rolls and pizza dough dancing like sugarplums in my dreams was just too much to handle. So I decided that I was going to make my own paleo linguine. I decided to make pasta the traditional way but with paleo ingredients: the art of rolling and cutting and chilling and drying would not be lost on me. I was culinary! I am not below paying homage to the great pasta making gods.

After I chilled and rolled and cut, for 48 hours, I turned my apartment into a pasta-drying factory:


Everything was turning out great, and I had even started writing the blog post in my head. This recipe was going to revolutionize the paleo diet!

And then I started cooking the pasta. Somehow all the eggs I had used to form the dough, started to boil up from the pasta to the top of the water in the pot, to form kind of a frothy, eggy foamy broth. The pasta turned from a nice tan color to a squeamish gray color, and then started to fall apart in the pot. BUT I STILL TRIED TO EAT THEM. So I smothered them in sauce, took a bite, and immediately wished I hadn't.



So long homemade, paleo pasta. Its Cappello's for me from here on out.

3. Four words: homemade paleo girlscout cookies.

Two words: epic faileo.

2. Remember those paleo soft-shell tacos? They were delicious. There is also a reason why the soft-shell of the tacos were not my own....

1. I went through this marshmallow-making obsession back when I was trying to perfect the recipes for my Paleo Pumpkin-Spice Marshmallows and my Paleo Peppermint Mocha Marshmallows. These two took quite a long time to figure out, and back in the original post, I shared that I broke two bowls while doing so. How did I do this? The first time, I somehow forgot to lock my kitchen aid bowl into the twist lock base, turned the mixer on high, and the proceeded to watch the bowl fly across the room, land with a crash, and dent the tile floor that we had literally just laid a week prior:

While waiting for my replacement bowl to come in the mail, I decided that I NEEDED to try this recipe again, and the only way I could do it, was to use the Kitchen Aid because it was powerful enough. In complete ignorance of the past Kitchenaidgate fiasco, I found another similar bowl, set it on top of the lock base, and turned the mixer on low to test it out. Everything seemed fine! The bowl was staying in place even though it wasn't designed for the mixer. So I turned it up high and then WALKED AWAY.

I'm an idiot. Bowl number two: gone, crashed, and shattered, but not before spreading a full cup of melted honey across every possible surface of the kitchen.


So there we have it: the best of 2014.

 

Have a joyous and very Happy New Years 2015!